Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Tamaso Ma Jyotirgamayo

Who knew that something as banal as turning on the light could cure the mother of all bad moods? Apparently, a lot of psychologists do, but I didn't, and that's what matters. So, naturally, I succumb to the blogger's urge to write about it, so that other people can marvel at my moment of epiphany.

You there in the third row, I don't see you marvelling! You can't see me, but I'm shaking a fist quite vigorously right now. Marvel...

Friends - heck, anybody who's had any contact with me in the last few days - will tell you that I have been extremely whiny, emo and generally a pain in the backside. Ajachi, they'll say, has made me want to do extremely painful things with a six foot pole. I've been overthinking every aspect of my life, getting pissed off at the slightest of things and snapping at anything that walks. I've told a number of people exactly what I think of them, and have probably alienated some of my best friends. Here's an official apology to all of them, though I'm not sure if many of them read this blog. (In some cases, I'm not sure that they do, actually, read. Anything.) Let the word go forth that Ajachi Chakrabarti, yes even the Ajachi Chakrabarti knows when he's been a perfect ass. I'm sorry.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Danish cartoonists at it again...



OK, for those of you who don't know, there's a rather big meeting going on in Copenhagen right now. At stake is the future of life as we know it. Of course, whenever the Great Danes are involved in anything, they like to enjoy themselves, and who better to spout politically incorrect comics than Danish cartoonists?

I'd love to know the reaction of a certain Mr Thackeray - and I'm not talking about William Makepeace - at this comic strip. Did someone say lynching?

Mr Thackeray, and I'm sure a lot of you, would be completely justified in your outrage. Not for the first time have these Danish cartoonists insulted people and got away with it. The strip hurts the sentiments of millions of proud Mumbaikars and a billion Indians, who just a year ago suffered a heinous terrorist attack. It should be condemned and the cartoonists should be brought to justice. After all, what does Anderlecht have that Mumbai does not?

Does Anderlecht have the largest slum in its continent? Does Anderlecht have rampant poverty right next to obscene wealth? Does tiny Anderlecht have 13 million people crammed in 603 square kilometres? No. It's per capita income is 10 times that of Mumbai, and it has almost universal literacy. How in Odin's name is it Earth's cavitus posterioris?

I wondered why all night, and then I found out. Anderlecht is home to RĂ©gine Zylberberg, the inventor of the discotheque. Just for that, it deserves pride of place between the freckled cheeks of this doomed planet's behind.

So who gets the rope?

Saturday, December 12, 2009

And so it begins...

I feel like a bowl of petunias.

(Homer Simpson drool)Those were some nice petunias. Burp.

"Sing, goddess, of Achilles' ruinous anger
Which brought ten thousand pains to the Achaeans,
And cast the souls of many stalwart heroes
To Hades, and their bodies to the dogs
And birds of prey."

I wanted Bebinca. I still want Bebinca. I shall always want Bebinca. Damn all those heathens who finished the food at the Christmas dinner!!! (Ooh... multiple exclamation marks. That's a first. And a last. See what happens when you deny me food?)

Flight of the Conchords is teh shit. And New Zealand kicks... Old Zealand's ass? An eerily timed flood of curses erupts in AH5, impressive in both volume and vocabulary. I'm sorry, mon junior. Croissant?

I'm jobless, am I not? No, you aren't. You have a compre to give. Minor details...

Vendetta! Vendetta!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Notes from the Dark


It's 5:30 AM and I am sitting in the dark. My tube light's flickered and died. A hundred different alarms in a hundred different rooms of a hundred different studious bastards are deafening me. My towel looks menacing in the half light of the walkway. A car drives by. Odd. I grope for keys in vain, as this post advances, one typo at a time. The smell of Ching's Hot Garlic lingers, masking the usual stench of my room. Someone goes to the bathroom, knocking over a dustbin in the dark. One studious bastard knocks on another one's door, waking him. The fan is relentless in its efforts to cool the room. I am in a cold sweat. I close my eyes. A Panda Bear appears.

Fluorescence is luminescence that occurs where the energy supplied kicks an electron of an atom from a lower energy state into an excited state, after which the electron releases the energy when it falls back to a lower energy state.

There's a monster under my bed, and it's out to get me.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Elegy to a Sem (Almost) Gone By

It's almost over.

It really is almost over.

The sem to end all sems, the sem that almost killed us. It's almost over.

They told us this sem was "li8." (Yes, I used DCSpeak. Sue me.) 2-1, 17 credits? You'll sail right through it. Just make sure you enjoy it, because you're utterly fucked next sem. Utterly,totally, incontrovertibly fucked. But this sem's easy, no sweat.

It started out on a happy note, with me desperate to get back after a particularly long summer vacations. I was a sophomore now (definitely not a sophie, as put by someone who called himself a junie), and the co-ordinator of an awesome club. I was sufficiently popular, and had a decent number of friends. I was academically average, definitely not in any dire straits. I had put a relatively dark period in my life behind me, and was ready to actually enjoy life.

I guess the first sign that this sem was not going to be hunky dory (really?) was my first trip to the ATM, where I realised I had way too much money in my account. The campus had not collected my fees, which meant running around to fill forms and finally having to write a cheque, before being able to register for the semester. The significant amount of fungus that had accumulated in my room over the summer meant additional heartache, and a few days of sleeping on the floor.

One of the things I had particularly been looking forward to was being co-ordinator of the Literary and Debating Club. I was a man with a plan, though without a canal (anybody?). I knew that the job meant a lot of work, I was prepared for that. We started off with an introductory event for the freshers, and inductions. We planned for every contingency, had daily meetings, even assigned people for crowd control. Ha.

This was the sem we planned to freak out, and go around Goa, having adventures we'd recount to our grandchildren's best friends who just came over to play, and were unprepared for an old man insisting on telling them his life story. That first road trip in a rented car was epic, in the sense that we lost our way not less than 25 times, found the beach we were initially going to was crap, and ended up on a beach where we never expected or wanted to go, while hitting a stationary motorcycle and getting the car lodged in a drain. Over the sem, I made it a point to go out every weekend, a feat not to be scoffed at. (The rest of this post will follow the latest manifestation of a particularly bad stomachache)

The elections to the CSA were fun, especially in my new role as speechwriter and debate consultant (I made the title up, but that's pretty much what I was). Although my candidate won the elections for General Secretary in a landslide, Suramya getting screwed out of the presidency left a horrible taste in the mouth, especially due to my not casting what would have been the decisive vote. The removal of the 11:30 rule, on the other hand, was giddying. 

Life soon began to orient itself around Waves Winter '09, our cultural fest. Websites had to be made, colleges had to be called, events had to be prepared, volunteers had to be sought. At the same time, academics floated back to our collective consciousness, and a particularly brutal Test 1 jolted us back to reality.

It was during the tests that rumours started floating of a couple of people getting jaundice. Then again, there were also rumours of typhoid, black death and the ever-present threat of porcine influenza that floated about every time someone made his way to the medical centre. Then more people started getting it. And some more. Soon, my hostel was a cesspool of disease, with yellowing lepers clawing at the healthy, begging for medicines and food, or alternatively getting on the first flight out and going home to three weeks of pampering.

I was taking a dump when it happened. The announcement was widely acclaimed, and the cheers that emanated from the auditorium when they decided to close the campus for two weeks are unrivalled. The feeling of 'Oh crap, that ruins all my plans' did not sink in for a few days. My hunger for adventure made me convince my parents to let me go to Bangalore, a backpacking trip that got me a little more than the T-shirts I won at Unmaad.

The timing of the jaundice holidays, as they were called, threw more spanners in works than a monkey on amphetamines. Overnight, plans had to be relaid and re-relaid, with many members of the Waves CoCo contemplating the uncontemplatable. My world soon became an endless series of deadlines and events and meetings and late nights. To top it all, it suddenly grew hotter and hotter. My Bob Marley-esque hair became unsustainable, and a sudden haircut caused a lot of liquids to eject through a lot of noses.

Waves Winter '09 was the culmination of what seemed an eternity of work, and there was definitely no dearth of work to be done during the fest as well. Armed with a hundred pens and a couple of nametags, I launched into it with a fervour befitting one of my size. The heady feeling of six judges pulling out, participants showing up late, and missing event managers compounded with the extreme lack of sleep was enough to push the greatest of men over the edge. Still, with tremendous help from a number of people, and three alarm clocks, I survived, and even won a couple of prizes.

Sea Rock. Nah, it's too easy. Though watching Slain perform at 5:00 AM was definitely one of the highest points of this sem.

Post Waves depression hit me hard, but the feeling of 'What Next?' soon disappeared in a sea of exams that had been postponed due to yellow fever. November went from busy to insane, with all the backlog of the sem gushing down on us unsuspecting victims in one long waterboarding session. A number of lab tests and online assignments and presentations and a particularly pissing-off report later, I find myself facing the incredible hurdle of slogging through two weeks of compres to finish off this goddamned sem.

A lot of excrement has hit the fan this sem. A lot of it has been unavoidable and natural, though stupidity has played an ample part in many of the (mis)adventures. It's been hectic, bizarre, disappointing, depressing and sometimes even fun, but it's definitely not been boring.

And at least it's almost over.

The Obligatory Inaugural Welcome Post

It's 1:26 AM on a Monday night in the hottest December I have ever seen. I have study guides I don't want to edit, and comprehensive exams I don't want to give. I've stuffed myself with food, and don't feel too good. There is hysterical laughter coming from AH5, and someone's playing Chuck Berry outside my room. My room's a mess. Just the atmosphere to return to blogging.

Damn.

I'm usually not this pissed. In fact, my lack of urinary behaviour is one of my best qualities. I don't quite know why I'm pissed off, though I'm pretty sure constant burping has more than a little to do with it. Anyway, involuntary effervescence aside, the blog. This is probably my fourth attempt at blogging, to go with at least six attempts to start a diary, and I always start with this blank page, unsure of how to start pouring my thoughts out.

So what is this blog about? I'd say randomness, but potential plagiarism charges forbid me. I guess it's basically a way for me to get some writing done, and maybe a little ranting. It's also a means to maintain what little sanity college life leaves me. I'll even try to be regular (famous last words).